Thursday, June 21, 2012

Lost . . .

I've been struggling again with my scrapbooking.  Every time I feel like I'm back on track life throws me off .  I've thought about taking a break from scrapbooking and blogging as the enjoyment is not there as it use to be.  The journey I have been on with my mom and her Alzheimers has been a life changing one for me.  I have emotions that I can't label.  I feel empty inside.  The person that I was last summer when she was first diagnosed is lost and I worry that I may never be found.  I am now the parent and my mom is the child.  The sweetness is now anger and the memories once so precious in her mind are just about gone.  Some days she knows who I am, her daughter, other days I am just  the person who helps her out.  I'm filled with sadness over her loss and do the best I can each day to take care of her and spend time with her. Today was an especially hard day for me. She lashed out at me in front of people and accused me of things.  I know it is her illness that does this, but for me it was the first time she has done this.  I know I do the best for her, but wondered what others thought about what she was saying about me.  After I left her today I sat in my car and cried,  wishing all of this was a bad dream that I could wake up from.  I hold onto the special memories I have of her for those memories are of the mom I love.  I miss my mom terribly. 

Sorry for rambling on, it's just been one of those days. . . 

. . . Debbie

   

21 comments:

Suzy said...

Hugs to you Debbie. My grandmother cared for my grandfather for 17 years, as he suffered from Alzheimer's. I know what a devastating disease it is. Please hang on to the good times. I will pray for strength and comfort during this difficult time.
-Suzanne suzy28024@gmail.com

Kelly Foster said...

Oh Debbie, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know there aren't any words for me to say to ease your pain, but just know that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

Ali said...

Oh my dear girl. I can not begin to imagine what you are going through so feel that any words I may type would appear trite. I know that we have never met in person but from what I have read and the emails we have exchanged I have faith that you will find the inner strength to deal with whatever life throws at you. You have to believe that you are doing the best for her and that although she is physically your Mom, the woman who stands before you and says those hurtful things is a very ill lady who has no control over her thoughts, emotions and how she verbalises things. Your Mom knows that you are a wonderful daughter and has a never ending supply of love for you...and that is the Mom you grieve for whilst taking care of this lady. Please hold on tight to the memories of 'your Mom' my dear Debbie xx

April said...

Debbie I am SO very sorry that this has happened in your life. I can't imagine the pain and sadness it causes you. :( I jsut waanted to say that I'm here for you my friend, and sending prayers your way...

Kelly Massman said...

so sorry to hear all of this; you have virtual hugs and best wishes from me!! :-)

Debbie said...

Hi Debbie
Oh I was so touched by your post.
You know your Mum is not your Mum anymore (some day's) and even though you love her desperatly, it may be time to move her to where she can be cared for in the enviroment that will help her best.

Please Debbie, I don't mean for one minute that you cannot do it, I have friends who look after parents with this disease and they have done this when the time has come.
It is a hard decision, but your Mum doesn't know what she puts you through (she will now never know, this will only get worse) and in the end you will end up the one who is ill.
Oh I feel so sorry for you, hope I have not overstepped the mark,in any way, just wanted to help, but not sure I have made things worse, sorry If I have.
Hope we can speak again soon, please feel free to talk if you want to.
Debbiexx

Lea said...

Hey, blogs are meant for ramblings. I'll add you and your dear mom to my prayers!

Angi said...

God knows what a wonderful daughter you are. Sending hugs your way!

Ashley Horton said...

So sorry for the struggle you are going through Debbie. My grandfather dealt with alzheimer's right before his death, but that was just for a short time. I can't imagine all of the emotions that you are going through caring for your mother, and not really having her "here" anymore. I will remember you in my prayers and I am hoping that at least tomorrow will be a better day.

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

Oh honey... this just makes me cry for you... I am soooooooo sorry you are having to carry all of this... {{{hugs}}} and prayers for you my friend....

Fern said...

Sending hugs your way, Debbie!! Having just gone through this I know what you're going thru... This is a very cruel disease, and you just have to realize that it's the disease making your mother lash out... Debbie, you can only do so much, you are going to have to let medical professionals take care of her soon... I'm saying this as a friend, because, hun, you have to take care of your health.. Your kids need you too!!! Praying for you!!!!

After we lost my Dad this last February, Rick's mother was diagnosed with it about 6 weeks ago!!!

flowerdisco said...

oh dear debbie, i know exactly what you are going through. my grandmother raised and we loved each other so, so, so very much. she ended up with alzheimers. i remember the last time i went to visit her (overseas) and for a split of a second i saw in her eyes she did recognize me...awww! what a beautiful moment. she tried to say something but nothing came out of her mouth before she got lost again. it is such a sad condition.
do not dismay, just love her all you can and more. you have to have lots of patient with them, be strong!

Fluffy said...

No words I say can help you, but stay strong and do what you're doing, your Mum would be so proud I'm sure Tx

VanEvera Family Blog said...

Sorry you are going through this difficult time with your mom. You'll both be in my prayers and thoughts. *Margie - Club CK

Colleen said...

Big hugs Debbie, this is a hard journey I know. My mother-in-law is going through this same journey. Thankfully you are able to spend some time with your mom.

Here is a book that afriend of mine wrote after taking care of her parents and her husband's father with the same disease. I hope you are able to purchase the book and get some insight and help along the way. Keep up the battle you are doing the right thing.

http://shellybeachonline.com/books_ambushedbygrace.php
Ambushed By Grace:
Help & Hope On The Caregiving Journey

Sandi Cl~ said...

Oh, dear sweet Debbie. I know in part what you are going through but not even close to this extent. This disease is even crueler than death it seems. You see them and expect and hope for glimpses of the mom you once knew. All you can do is care for her now with all the love you have to give. And please be take care of yourself as well. I am praying that God's grace with comfort you and carry you through this journey. Sending big cyber hugs your way {{{{{{hug}}}}}}

Tammy E. said...

I don't think I can add anything that someone else hasn't already said, other than the fact that I truly believe that this awful disease cannot steal your memories. Someday you will look back, and the good memories are going to be what you remember, not the bad ones. May God give you the grace to get through these tough times.

yyam said...

Oh dear Debbie. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It's tough to be positive always. There will be bad days. I know good days are when you see glimpses of how your mom used to be...look forward to that. Don't take the hurtful things she says to heart. Take care. Sending you hugs my friend!

Lynne said...

Debbie, I'm so sorry that this has been so hard on you! Alzheimer's is so hard on families, and especially those who take care of the affected person. My uncle took care of my grand-ma after she was diagnosed. It was difficult, and you could see it. She passed away about 10 years ago, and I still feel bad, that I couldn't bring myself to spend as much time with her as I did before.

ruth said...

Hi Debbie,

Just wanted to tell you that I will think of you often and say a prayer when I do. I'm so sorry you and your mom are going through this.

I'm on a similar journey with my dad. It's parkinson's disease/lewy body dimentia, but similar in so many ways.

I had a moment a few weeks ago when it all really hit me deep down emotionally...and I don't even know why. Nothing has changed. But it was the realization that we have switched roles.

Anyhow, just know that people care and are praying for you.

Blessings,

Ruth

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